Pouring sand over rocks: Making time for riding
I’ve been compelled to write this piece for a while, but each time I work on it, it goes in a new direction. A think piece on life and priorities? A list of ways to find time? A tongue-in-cheek parody of a busy mom, trying to carve out a little time for herself?
I have radically transformed my life recently by rearranging how I allocate my time, and it’s been wonderful. That being said, I hesitate to write anything that seems “advicey” because I’m personally not a huge fan of advice, for the simple reason that what works for one person will not always work for another, and just because I’ve had some success in this area does not qualify me as an expert. Everyone’s individual circumstances are unique and their own.
It also got me thinking about what I want this “blog” section of JULIE CLAIRE to be. Which prompted me to ask myself, why do I write? I write because I am an artist, and horses are my muse. I write because I want to write things of substance, important things. I want to explore the human condition, I want to inspire, I want to move you, I want to make you feel something, even if it means just feeling a little less alone in the world. These are all the things literature does for me, and why I love it.
Before I returned to riding last summer, I had been on one of the longest riding hiatuses of my life - about three years. The reason for this was that I was simply too busy. I had two very small children and a job, and that consumed all my time. Unfortunately riding is not a hobby one can dabble in for thirty or so minutes at a time, like crochet. A trip to the stable for a ride is at best two hours, usually three. Who has two to three hours of spare time a day? Nobody.
Feel familiar? Horse and Rider
However, not riding quickly become unsustainable, due to the fact that I was becoming quite depressed. I needed to get back to horses again. I could do all the counselling sessions in the world, I could eat well, exercise daily, do yoga, meditate, list my gratitudes, but none of that would change the fact that my soul needed horses and I wasn’t getting it. Other people might think it’s a luxury, an indulgence, an eccentric pasttime, a nice-to-have if you can afford it, but horse lovers get it. It’s not so much a want, as a need.
An important thing I learned in one of my counselling sessions, years ago, is that you should prioritize your life as follows: First yourself, then your spouse, then your children, then your work.
Whaaaa??? I had been doing the literal opposite. Work came first, because it’s work, and I need the pay check. Then the children, who devoured as much as me as they could. Then my husband got a small shred of my time, and prioritizing myself? I didn’t even understand what that meant. Isn’t that just being selfish?
After years of doing the work, I began to gain clarity. Prioritizing yourself means you taking care of you, so that you can show up as the best version of yourself in your life. Anyone who has ever burnt the F out understands how it’s impossible to be a good mom, spouse, or employee if you aren’t well. It’s a kindness to yourself, as well as the important people in your life, to look after yourself.
What everyone’s individual needs look like will be different. I identified horses as one gaping component of what I needed to be well. But how do I find the time to ride? I needed to work to make money, but working meant no time left to ride. It was an unsolvable equation. I despaired.
Trying to work it out using math.
Something that helped me conceptualize this problem was the imagery of a jar. Your life is your jar. You can place into it whatever you want - it’s your jar. First, put the rocks in. The rocks are the most important things. But the jar isn’t infinite, just like your energy isn’t infinite. You only have room in the jar for a few rocks. Choose them wisely. Horses became a rock that I put in my jar first. That’s right - not the children or the job or husband or anything else. It felt not so much as a striving or a reach as a yielding, a succumbing to an essential truth: I am a horse girl and I need horses to feel happy.
I began to lease a horse and committed to riding four times a week. My entire days would need to be built around that first rock, the most important thing. Everything else was grains of sand poured over that rock, meaning, everything else would need to move, make room, and fit around that rock. It didn’t matter HOW that happened, and the how will look different for everyone. But ensuring that horses are a rock ensures that they will be a priority. Don’t let the sand (the less important things) go in the jar first! You will find there is no room left for the rocks. (This was my shortcoming for years.)
It’s as simple and as complex as that. Easy to conceptualize, hard to execute. Like everything important in life.
And despite my earlier disclaimer, here are a list of some strategies that have helped me, since I’d already written it, and some of it may be of some use to some person.
Husbands are an Underutilized Resource. I don’t mean anything as basic as actual child care, I mean the emotional labor of child care - don’t discount how much time and energy this takes you just because you’ve been the one doing it since always. Let your husband do the Kindergarten registration, plan the birthday party. Resist the temptation to micromanage - you need to ride. Let him forget to buy a cake. Let him solve his mistakes. It’s good for all of you.
Bring a kid or two with you to the stable, if they’re old enough.
The Solution to the Unsolvable Equation: Make More Money per Hour. If your job is taking all your time but you need the job to afford to ride, the way to solve that equation is to earn more money per hour. That way you can work less, and still make the same amount of money. Working backwards (solving for X), if you’re making an annual salary, by working fewer hours per week, you make more money per hour.”
Take an Account of How you Spend your Time. Like any budgeting exercise, look at the facts with cold, hard eyes. Sit with the fact you are spending an hour a day on Instagram. Is social media a rock in your life? If not, let something else be a rock, and let social media be sand.
You can’t “have it all.” I won’t advocate sleeping less or cutting back on self-care for the simple reason that it is not sustainable, and you will burn out. You can’t add add add, you can’t “have it all,” in the basic meaning of the phrase. If you are making time for something like horses, you will need to subtract time somewhere else. It’s just math.
Quality time > quantity time. Ok, so I am an expert in a few things. As a professional who works with children, I can assure you that twenty minutes of time with your child while you are completely present IS better than “playing” with them for two hours while you’re on your phone or inside your own head for most of it.
Find a stable close by - if an extra ten minutes each way is the difference between going and not, let that be a main factor in deciding where to ride.
Outsourcing. This is an obvious one but worth mentioning. I’m talking about grocery delivery, house cleaning, laundry. It may, or may not, make sense to pay someone else to do these things.
Thank you for reading, as always. I wish everyone success in their endeavor to make time for themselves.