Goals/Intentions/Manifestations

With world number one show jumper, Henrik von Eckermann, Spruce Meadows, September 2022

Last year I wrote a piece in early January about my ‘new year, new you’ mentality and goals for the upcoming year. Here, I reflect on what I learned - and plans for 2023.

I discussed the importance of emotional regulation and how it relates to riding. I alluded to mental health goals. Basically, I didn’t want to keep losing my shit on my kids on a regular basis. I would never do this to a horse but I’ve done the equivalent to my children.

I joined the Holistic Psychologist. I learned that my difficulties stem from conditioned responses to considerable childhood trauma. I worked to heal the trauma responses I experience in my body. Meditation, yoga, breathwork, cold plunges, and dancing all helped, as well as authentic connections with some really great people. I’ve done years of therapy, but a single night at an accidental rave this summer was one of the more healing experiences I have ever had. So grateful for the wonderful people in my life and the small bits of good fortune the universe has thrown my way.

I also started riding 3-4 days a week, more or less consistently, though there were definitely times I fell off the bandwagon and missed some days, because kids and life. Begin again, begin again, I chant to myself.

So I radically changed my life. What did I learn?

I learned that I can handle my own emotions, that I can allow them to come and then recede, like the tide. Once I began to feel my emotions regularly, I could control them. I began to feel safe inside my own body for the first time in almost thirty years. All the time spent training my breath allowed me to wield it as a tool to help myself calm down even when I didn’t feel calm.

I learned that I’m not quite ready to buy a jumping horse – yet - but I’m getting closer. In the meantime, I am so enjoying dear Lolita, an absolutely stunning 23-year old Oldenberg mare, and former show jumper. While we sneak in the odd log in the field, she can’t jump much anymore due to her age, but she is such a delight to ride, it doesn’t matter (and I am enjoying the break from the jumping anxiety that has taken hold in my thirties.) She is best described as a lady’s horse – wonderfully light to hand and leg, needing only a whisper of an aid. She makes me smile. Now that we are both in decent shape, I’d like to fool around with some higher-level dressage stuff with her – she has the ability, I think, and I’ve never had the opportunity before.

How about my other goals? Well, in January last year I bought a subscription to The Equestrian Masterclass because I wanted to watch the Ian Millar tutorial. So….I still haven’t even signed into my account, and then I got an email the other week saying my subscription was ending! Oh no! Thy graciously gave me a one-month extension (and a free journal – thanks Equestrian Masterclass) so I NEED TO WATCH THIS IAN VID ASAP.

BTW I was so delighted to meet Ian Millar, a hero to me, in person at the Masters. He gave me a short interview, and at the end clapped me on the shoulder and said “good for you” with warmth in his eyes. Later, I sat next to him and his beautiful new wife in the “rider’s section” in the southeast corner of the International ring, listening to their insightful comments on the round. The little horse girl inside me was screaming jumping up and down, and then dying.

What else? What hasn’t 2022 been? It’s been hard, it’s been transformational, it’s been beautiful.

2023 will be the year of art. Now that I have established myself as a legitimate writer and journalist, I will be working on fewer pieces that I hope will go to really great publications. I’ll be doing more personal writing, less journalism, but will continue to be at Spruce Meadows this year as much as I possibly can, because I love it. Still coming for you, NY Times.

I start another novel class this week – last year when I took this class I wrote one third of my novel (a sexy romance set in the show jumping world), so this year I hope to at least match, if not surpass, that.

In between Spruce events this summer, I’ll be living with my children in a trailer off-grid next to a lake in BC, for as long as we can stand it.

In September my youngest son will start full day school – which will be life-changing to have, after TEN years, everyone in good quality, publicly-funded care every freaking day! I will have so much more time to write.

Well, a little bit more anyway.

Thanks so much for reading!

Stay tuned for a great Hannah Selleck feature coming out in print in the Plaid Horse soon!